My Friend Kent

My friend Kent died last week. He'd been sick for a little more than a year. Before he died, he wrote me a really touching note about how my friendship had given him a real opportunity to enjoy having a simple connection with another human being. It made me think about how grateful I am that I don't drink anymore because I could make him a priority - reach out to him, check in regularly, and get his other friends to reach out to him, too. That's something I wouldn't have thought about while drinking because my primary goal in life was holding things together and trying to keep the world - bills, marriage, kids, business - from imploding. I wouldn't say that I wasn't a good friend, but I couldn't think about what other people were going through daily. I was self-centered. This was complicated because drinking - whether a little or a lot - meant some of my time was spent inebriated, and some time was spent recovering from it. I already didn't have enough time, so drinking made it worse. 

Once I quit drinking, I also started to evaluate my friendships. My drinking buddies weren't really my friends, I learned. They weren't interested in me at all unless I was going out. It is true that, since I quit drinking, quite a few of the people who I used to drink with me reached out to me to talk about how they could stop drinking. I got a lot of satisfaction out of that. Even when I haven't spoken with someone about alcohol, I know that they see that I have a non-drinking life and give them hope for a better way of living. I have to remember this because sometimes I don't think people want to hear from me or want me to be their friend. But everyone I do reach out to seems genuinely happy to have the connection themselves - and I remember Kent's note. 

Today, I am still flawed. I have a hard time managing time and tasks. I have a hard time making time to build those relationships that are so important to me. Calling old friends and making new ones requires consistency and confidence that I have something to offer - weaknesses for me. I've made a list of friends in my little journal (along with a long list of songs I want to learn how to play,... next to the much smaller list of songs I know) and consciously think about them at certain points. I used to do it every Sunday in church - special intentions. Since I haven't been attending church, I must find a way to replace that process. So I'm starting with the advice I gave you. Every day, I write three paragraphs about what's going on in my mind and heart. Not for you or anyone else, but for myself. To remember Kent. To remember my friends and that I can mean something to someone.

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