Harnessing the Power of Peer Pressure

Ignore it at your Peril

Reflecting on my post-elementary and high school educational experiences, I recognize that there were influential teachers who had a profound impact on me. However, the people who exerted far more influence on me were my peers; friends, classmates, and, particularly, older students and kids. When I look at what's missing in education today - really, the education crisis - the gap is how the system focuses on the negative aspects of peer pressure while completely ignoring its potential for positive behavior. 

When I got into trouble, it was usually because someone brought me into it. Drugs, alcohol, skipping school, mean pranks, and general sneaky disobedience. Except for driving cars before I had a driver's license, I got introduced to every one of my bad behaviors by one of my friends or schoolmates. It would never have occurred to me to scratch the paint on someone's car until a friend keyed a car and stole hood ornaments. I never wanted a cigarette until one of my friends offered me one. The same was true for beer, drugs, and skipping school. These thoughts never crossed my mind until I was brought along for the ride. In truth, initially I never enjoyed any of these negative experiences - smoking made me sick, I would be wracked with guilt over pranks, drugs and alcohol made me pass out or be sick. Then they became habits. Then, in turn, I shared these habits with others. This is bad leadership, but it's still leadership.  

On the other hand, when I was at my best, it was because I had someone or a group that helped me positively. A study group where we had fun going over the most boring classes. Theater groups, rock bands, and group vacations. My nerdy friend who helped me learn the quadratic equation. Think about it; sports teams are positive peer pressure because you come in at the JV level, and see your older peers striving and succeeding. You model that behavior. Eventually, you are the older kid, being a role model; you are the one who accepts the new or younger kid into the fold.  It was the group's or peers' expectation that you would try your hardest to be the best you could. That's when I was at my best. It was because of the positive leadership of other students. 

You've heard the expression "hang out with the winners and you'll be a winner." This is what I experienced, consciously or unconsciously. When I think about the most important relationship in my life (my wife, Karen), I realize that expression came into play. I was a struggling kid who showed promise. She was a winner, and I wanted to rise to her level. It saved my life. I see that effect repeated across my life. When I hung out with the "cool kids," I was cool, but not successful. When I hung out with the successful people - the nerds - I was successful. 

In your own experience as an adult and parent, you probably recognize what I do: I can't tell my kids anything and expect them to follow it. In fact, it's more likely that telling them to do something will cause them to do the opposite. I have a leadership vacuum when I talk "at" them. When I get on their level - coaching, playing games, having fun, and just spending time - I have a chance at an impact, but not nearly the level that the kids' friends do. 

My Hyde School experience comes into focus as I contemplate this. When I visited the campus, I was guided around the school by an upperclassman. While he was occupied, I stepped into an inconspicuous area for a cigarette. Later that day, my upperclassman sat me down and told me in a gentle but definitely "disappointed in you" kind of way, "We don't do that here." Of course, I didn't believe him, but the message I didn't hear was "I think you can do better." That WAS the message. I didn't know this at the time, but the students I talked with during my visit all gave feedback to the admissions director. Eventually, the school admitted me on the condition that I go through their summer school; I wasn't ready for prime time. I was offended by that, which only showed how out of touch with reality I was. 

It turned out, they didn't do any of those things at Hyde. Smoking, drugs, alcohol, and other behaviors like stealing, cursing, and bullying weren't tolerated. It was a violation of the student "code of ethics" we signed, which in its preamble stated that as a student, you were there to achieve your best, unique potential. When there was a disciplinary matter, the violation wasn't a broken school rule, but rather that you had broken your own promise to yourself to do your best. 

That was fine with me, but the thing that took me the longest to learn was that it wasn't enough that I kept to the code; I had to ensure that others adhered to it as well. I was responsible for THEIR behavior! So there I was, my first week into summer school, in a disciplinary meeting with students and faculty because I hadn't confronted another student who was smoking. This was leadership. Doing this required that you had enough personal integrity to point to yourself as an example. 

One of Hyde School's core principles was "leadership." That's a confusing and complicated concept for a teenager. I still find it confusing today. Are you a leader if you are in charge of something, like the captain of a team or editor of the newspaper, and is that something you strive for? There is some glory and ego gratification in that kind of leadership. It feels good to be recognized as the top person. Or is it personal, being a friend or taking a younger student, a struggling friend, or an unpopular kid under your wing? Is it confronting someone you don't know well about their behavior, or is it investing enough time in that person so that you can say you "know" them well enough to bring up an issue where they are falling short, in your view?

Over my three years at the school, I changed many of the bad habits I had learned from poor leaders and developed some good ones from the good leaders I had been around. I was a greatly improved version of myself, confident in myself, though still myopic and unable to recognize my weaknesses. For instance, I did not drink or drug while at Hyde, and that improved my clarity while I was there. But when I left, I resumed drinking, thinking that my time there had somehow inoculated me against alcohol-related problems. It took me another 15 years to finally stop drinking.

Those 15 years showed me how my ideas about leadership were wrong. I confused leadership with ambition, position, wealth, and power. It wasn't until I quit drinking and helped others to do so that I realized my Hyde leadership lesson in full. I can only give what I have. 

Taking from my experience, I feel that this is what schools need today. Student leadership and accountability. I learned what I needed to be successful from winners. My ambition wasn't success, but the ability to help others. 

What we teach in schools today is that you as a student are a consumer. You have nothing to offer the community. 

We give you one product; an academic curriculum. If you're not good at this particular academic curriculum, it's your problem. It's given to you by adults who don't really care whether you get it or not. Teachers aren't paid based on whether you learn something, they get paid regardless of whether you learn something. 

The rules are arbitrary and enforced on the individual, not on the culture that creates the individual. 

In this world, you are unique not in your abilities and potential, but in your hat you